Wow! I never knew I could be that productive! I just successfully eradicated all traces of malfeasance in the group's Master.bib file by spending two hours straight parsing errors!
Master.bib is the Bibtex file that the group uses to enact it's evil plot to collect every reference that's ever been referenced! (Current unique references: 2344) Maybe I already explained this to you, diary, I can't remember because my head hurts...
Anyway, it appears that much more head hurting occurred in previous generations of Burke students. The file wouldn't compile for a myriad of reasons:
1) "%" signs must be listed as "\%" for Latex to work
2) Oh, Lucas! You can't press return in the middle of an abstract! Latex thinks it's a new line!
3) Curly parentheses are critical
4) The numbers 1998 and 24 are completely different. Even scarier: Latex knows the difference between a year and a TV show. I have to make sure I keep that straight and not lose track of the date! Oh no! It's daylight savings time apparently!
Anyway, it's done. Enjoy, everyone.